A Simpli Splendiferous Adversaria

Just Another Manic Monday…

Poster says:  “I guess my real question is a bit more complex. What is the motivation behind it? What does it do to relieve you? Essentially, “Why do you cut?” yet again, I don’t want to piss anyone off. I’m just curious, because evidently it’s a lot bigger than I thought it was.”

————————————————

I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with the question.  It didn’t seem to be posted with malice.   The only way for people to learn is to understand.  The only way for someone to learn that 1+1=2 is to understand how and why it equals 2. ~smiles

I have never actually cut.  It is similar, or atleast, I perceive it to be.
I’ll tell it as a mini story in hopes that it makes better sense.  In the story.. you and I are the same.  The others that cut are you.

Just another manic monday….
by ella GC

First let me take you into the mindset ..   I need you to be in my mindset for the most part as I cannot assume the mental status of the bipolar counterparts.  However, I wouldn’t consider myself seperate in their reasoning, either.

The world may be going great for others.  I notice movement around me, sounds, maybe shadows.  The feeling of being off balance.  I’m depressed and lonely.  It does not matter how many are around me the feeling only increases.  Laughter and smiles are slipping off the lips of family and friends.  My head lowers as I try to move through the house without anyone noticing.  I can taste the salt in my tears.  I lift my hand discretely, toward my eyes, and sweep the wetness from my flushing cheeks.  I try to pull myself together, snap myself out of that intense feeling that has already began rushing through my veins.  I take a seat and lay back in the recliner to close my eyes, but my mind begins to loop.  Rapid thoughts?  Over and over.  A tape recorder that has already become full, yet rewinds, plays, and fast forwards again.  Now it’s getting rough.  It’s physical for me first.  The mental state of mind becomes flustered and clustered with ugh! instability.!  I’m teeter-tottering in a dangerous zone.

I’m sitting on my computer chair now, staring at a blank screen.  Perhaps it isn’t the screen that’s blank, but I.  It is true that where I am now is dark and blank.  I seek only one thing now and I’m on a mission to fullfill that need.  My dark eyes lift to the shelf above me where I previously hid the needles.  Not really hidden are they?  But I used this as a tool and support for myself.  We always want what we cannot have, yes?  We want what other’s say we should stay away from, yes?  I put my tempting euphoric self medicating 16 gage box of needles within eye sight.  Oh it worked!  For awhile.  And as sudden as a gush of wind…  I found myself in need.

I remove  one of the needles (16 gage is brow ring size.  Not tiny, but far from large.)  My belly is already clenching and achingly.  Mania keeps teasing me as I slide down the back of the chair, my bottom near the end of the seat itself, my knee’s are splayed.  I can feel the muscles in my legs tense, and the soar of adrenaline visits me with temptation.  Where am I going to do it this time?  Hm.  I leave myself no more time to ponder as I quickly cleanse the area of choice while the freshly opened needle is dangling loosely from between pursing lips.  Am I in my right mind?  No, it’s alterned.  Am I sane?  Yes, I am sane.  I’m aware of what I’m doing and the mania begins to lift me.  I put on a song my husband gifted me with.  Crazy Bitch by BuckCherry.  I raise the volume, the racing in my chest is occumpanied by thunderous heart pounding beats.  An adorned right wrist of bracelets lift to remove the needle from the crease of my mouth while 3 fingers of my left hand grabs onto as much flesh as it can.  My thumb presses into my belly button as the two fingers firmly beneath it tug and pull.  I breath in deeply, I’m physically present yet I’m about to take a ride.  I steady the needle with my left thumb as well as inbetween index and second, okay…  here goes…(The hardest part of piercing ones self is that we tend to not be able to proceed at a certain point.  For example, I do body piercing on others, I’m good at it.  It’s fast, very fast, and with no hesitation.  Nearly painless.) I shove the needle through my belly with a stern thrust and I’m screaming obscenities in my head, as the molten heat explodes through my very soul….   I’m begin to go to that place, I’m so close to freedom. The rush!  Oh God, do I dare mention the rush of it all? The end rush?  The needle is only a bit over half way through.  My head tilts a bit as I chew on my bottom lip and slam the needle even further in, steadying it still between my fingers, don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop!!   It’s deep, a half an inch in one side and out the other.  I exhale slowly.  I hit play again on the my music list and chair dance to the same song … A gasp and low whimper echoes from my vocal chords.  I’m free of the inflictions that nip at me.  Now it changes again…  the tribulations which had previously seemed so traumatic and painful was now only hot lava melting off the surface and entering a cooldown.

So many various elements play factors in the “why”.  I know how it is for me and how it feels to hide like a snake in a dark corner seeking peace, solace and tranquility and then…
shed it’s skin and begin anew, until the next time.  ~smiles
©2005 Twinkle W-V. / XUncHaiNedMaNiaX / Salacious Surrender

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